Relationships

… in order to change your reaction to other’s actions Do you ever assume way more than you should about people without knowing their truths? If you answered no to this, you’re lying to yourself and those around you. We all have. We’ve all been guilty of thinking we know someone’s story based on our reality and perceptions. For example, when you see an expensive car being driven by a gorgeous blonde, what’s your first thought? Probably something not too kind. Probably something you’d only admit to your closest of friends – if even them. But what if that gorgeous blonde driving that pricey vehicle just left the hospital where she held her son’s tiny hands as he took his last breath. What if she rebuilt her life after growing up in abuse and poverty. And somewhere, deep inside, she had this vision of buying that exact car for herself. Now, she’s driving her dream car. What if the money to buy the car was at the cost of losing her husband and children in a house fire? Judging others, though we do it naturally, can be unkind and definitely unnecessary. Do you take the time to know others’ stories, or do you judge first? Be honest with yourself. I’m just as guilty as the next person. Trust me, I’m not proud of this at all. I’ve had to realize I do this and retrain my brain to stop. There are still times when I judge first, realize what I’m doing, then stop myself from continuing the judgment. A few months ago, I was on the receiving end of someone creating an image of me that wasn’t accurate. To be completely open and honest, I’m still working through some of the details and searching for understanding and forgiveness within myself. It’s going to take a while. It’s going to take a few “untils” until I figure out how to forgive myself in the situation as well as forgive the other person. I wonder what I could have done differently. How could I have been a better person? Since we can’t change the past (unless you can time travel), I wonder how I can learn from this situation and move forward. You see, I keep my personal life, well, personal. Having lived through an abusive marriage, I tend to be hesitant in building friendships, opening up to a community, or sometimes even trusting myself to know who to trust. I have always found it upsetting to have people in my life (in whatever capacity) who embellish in their own truths, slander others, or lack the integrity to come to the table when invited. When I was a child, Mama taught us that we can’t change others – only our reactions to them. Looks like I still have some learning to do! Oh, the situation, you may ask! In summary, puzzle pieces were put together to create an entirely different image than what truly happened. At the end of the day, it doesn’t matter – and that’s what I am choosing to focus on instead of the slander, the incorrect picture, and the lies being told behind my back. We’ve heard it time and again, and I know it sounds cliche but… hurt people, hurt people. We can’t change others. All we can do is know our own truths and change our reactions to their actions. Does it bother me to think of others believing the lies? YES! Do I get frustrated at the entire situation? ABSOLUTELY! But that’s not what matters. What matters is that I know the truth. Let others talk about me, let them stir the pot behind my back, let them lie. Other people’s opinions are none of my business. (Still working on this one!) We’ve been conditioned from a very young age to care about others’ thoughts and feelings – especially when they’re about us. Most of us present ourselves in a certain way based on what was expected of us in our younger years. If we take it a step further, that’s exactly why people throw shade, create lies, gossip, and don’t come to the table. They, too, have been conditioned to get attention when they behave in a certain way. We all know, as adults, that negative attention is the same as positive attention. Attention is attention. Those who crave negative attention as adults lacked positive attention in their childhood. Kinda sad if you look at it that way. However, the sadness of their reality certainly does not condone unacceptable behaviors. As the sun sets on this beautiful day, I think of my situation and wonder how I may grow from it. I wonder how I can love those who have intentionally hurt me. I don’t have an answer at this moment. What I do have, however, is grace and a handful of untils. I’ll work on finding the love until it’s there. I’ll work on forgiveness until I’ve forgiven. I’ll work on acceptance of others’ flaws until I accept them. We are all flawed. We can all keep a handful of untils in our pockets for the most difficult of situations in our lives. If I can forgive myself for being in an abusive marriage, this particular situation should be a breeze. Right? Until next time,Orsika Julia

… by taking responsibility for your actions and choices Have you ever met someone who always blames others for their misfortune? You might be laughing and thinking to yourself, “Yeah… we call those narcissists!” And though you may be 100% accurate with your thoughts, I have a challenge for you. When do you blame others for your misfortune? Be honest here, we have all done this at some point in our life. It can be just as simple as, “I couldn’t write the answer because my pencil broke.” Or, perhaps it’s more serious like, “My partner left me because she simply doesn’t like me anymore.” Blaming others for your “misfortunes” is exponentially easier than taking responsibility for your actions. Let’s take the first example (because it’s easier). What are three ways you could have continued on the assignment given if your pencil broke. Well, you could have: If you would have done any of the three things, you’d be able to successfully complete the assignment. Instead, you sit in the blame-game, victim mentality, blaming others for what happened to you and your pencil breaking. Now onto the tough topic; your partner left because she simply doesn’t like you anymore. This one might hit too close to home for a number of you. Having been in a number of failed relationships, I assure you, I was 100% responsible for my actions in each situation. Ultimately, we can only control our own actions. Along with that, we can only control our own reactions to the actions of others. Simply put, your relationship failed because of the way you didn’t take control of your actions and the way you reacted to the actions of the other person. You can get all huffy and puffy and maybe even stop reading this blog because you’re upset. That’s perfectly fine by me. But, when you’re ready, come on back and keep reading. I may have learned a thing or two because I’ve been through a thing or two. If you are unaware of my history, my kids and I escaped from an abusive marriage eleven years ago. It began with emotional and psychological abuse and turned physical after being together for four years. I decided, after the physical abuse, enough was enough. After years of personal development and growth, I realized, I, single handedly, allowed myself (and my kids) to be in the abuse. How did I do that? After my divorce, my self esteem was in the gutter. I didn’t feel worthy of any kind of love. I felt unwanted, unseen, and unappreciated. Therefore, when someone showed up and gave me attention and allowed me to feel seen, I immediately made it right. I allowed myself to overlook entirely too many red flags out of my own selfish desires. It would have been considerably easier for me to get in a depressive state, neglect my children, and be a complete mess who accepted her life in the shambles the abuser created. I could have fallen and never gotten up. I could, to this day, continue blaming him for every little thing that may be challenging in my life. I could blame him for the choices my children make about their lifestyle. I could blame him for driving a 12 year old vehicle. But, I don’t. I don’t blame him for any of it. I take full ownership and responsibility for my part in the abuse. Yep, you read that right. In case you missed it, I’ll repeat myself: I take full ownership and responsibility for my part in the abuse. Did I ask to be abused? NO WAY!!! But did I put myself into the relationship? ABSOLUTELY. Did I have an opportunity to leave the relationship? YES! Did I take that opportunity? Sadly, only after the abuse began. But eventually, YES! Because I’m worth it (I know this now), and the family legacy is worth it! When you find yourself in a relationship (whether it’s a partnership, marriage, friendship, colleague, whatever) that ends on sour terms, ask yourself what you did to enable the negativity. What could you have done differently to have a different outcome? Will you learn and grow from the demise of the relationship, or will you continue to be a hostage in your own life? In the example I shared, I could have done a lot of things differently. But, in the beginning, when I was still all googly-eyed because I was being seen (albeit falsely), I could have done the following three things differently: Notice, I didn’t say: The things I didn’t say were nowhere near the tools in my belt. There was no way, at that time, that I could have done those things because I was mentally, emotionally, and spiritually inept. Being responsible for the decisions you make will guide you to better decisions, and therefore guide you to a healthier and more successful life. Remember, using that part of your brain is challenging at first. It is easier to fall prey and victim to life’s circumstances. If you’ve ever said, “This is just my life,” in a serious tone, you’ve positioned yourself as a victim. I promise you there’s zero judgment here – just a bit of sisterly love and understanding. Pay attention to the words you speak to yourself when you’re alone, to your spoken words that come out naturally positioning you as the victim, and the ease at which you blame anyone for your mishaps. Do you take ownership and responsibility in every part of your life? If not, start today. If you need guidance or accountability with being responsible for your actions, please feel free to reach out to me. I’d be delighted to proverbially hold your hand during this season of growth. It doesn’t matter if your pencil breaks or your heart breaks, as an adult, you’ve made decisions that led you to your current circumstances in life. If you’d desire different outcomes, make different choices. “But it’s not that easy,” you

As I scroll through social media, I see images of people having amazing connections with one another. I see them laughing, enjoying time together, camping, going to the movies or a concert, or simply having dinner. My heart is full for them and the relationships they’ve built over the years. Many have been friends for decades, while others are newer friendships formed within the past 5 years. Even though I am genuinely happy for what they share, I sit and wonder, “When is it my turn for those connections? When do I get to do fun things with a group of people I love and want to spend time with on a continual basis?” Mind you, I have a handful of friends who are above and beyond everyone else I know. But, our time together is limited as one is 250+ miles from where I am and the other has an overflowing plate with family responsibilities. I wonder why I’m not invited. I wonder why I don’t belong. Have I done something to push others away? Do they see me as the single mom who doesn’t bring anything to the table? As I begin to go down the rabbit hole, I stop myself for a brief moment with positive thoughts and affirmations and all the stuff we’re taught through personal development. Instead of climbing out of the rabbit hole, though, I plunge deeper into it and realize, I haven’t ever truly belonged. I’ve been the weird kid with the weird name with the weird parents who spoke with an accent and only socialized with other Hungarians. I sit in the victim mentality for far longer than I prefer. Honestly, five minutes is more than necessary to sit as a victim. I wonder why I’m not good enough for seemingly anyone in my life. The rabbit hole is indeed deep with this trip. Slowly, as I lift myself out of the dark dungeons we’ve all experienced from time to time, I realize – once again – I’m looking at things all wrong. Or, perhaps, I’m just looking at my situations a bit asqued. I ask myself: From where does our desire to belong stem? Even when we’re toddlers, most of us have the yearning to get the approval of our parents, to have friends, and to belong. As we grow into adulthood, our decisions and actions are determined by the acceptance or nonacceptance of those closest to us. We want to be welcomed, appreciated, and seen. It’s how we’re initially hardwired. Those who veer away from this have, more than likely, been deeply wounded as children. Why does it matter to me if others are having the time of their lives and I’m not? Their happiness does not directly affect me. Therefore, other’s happiness does not (necessarily) have an immediate impact in my life. What matters to me, personally (and not because I’m full of ego), is why I feel as though I’m not having the time of my life? Why do I feel like I’m getting gypped? Which part of my soul is so broken that I choose to go down this rabbit hole time and again??? Let’s be honest, I get frustrated with myself because I focus on the negative instead of all of the blessings in my life. And though it’s healthy to look at the negatives, visit with them for a while, and let the feelings be felt, it’s completely unhelpful to invite them in to unpack their suitcases and to stay a while. There are a variation of questions here to ponder: Ultimately, these are the questions to ask yourself? Be honest with your answers! When your desire to belong was minimal, what were you doing in your life to invoke that reality? Look at the circles you’re actually in and  be in gratitude for the people who welcome you with open arms. In reality, the grass is rarely greener on the other side. Instead of longing for what you lack, be in appreciation for all the joys you do have. Start small if this task feels cumbersome. You are reading this entry on some kind of device which means you have a source of power. If you’re on a device, you have more than likely had at least one meal today. If you’ve had more than one meal, you have been gifted with sustenance. Now it’s your turn, start with something small for which to be grateful, then keep going and going and going. Finally, getting away from Alice can be tiring. Wouldn’t it just be easier to stay in the depths of sadness and sulk there with a pint of Ben & Jerry’s for an evening, a weekend, or an entire week? Yep, it sure would. But then what? Then, where would you be? You’d be further down than before, and it would take longer to get back up. So, yes, we all have a desire to belong. It’s important to remember what we actually have in our lives versus what we long for in life. Find value in your inner circle – no matter the size. Find value in the time you get with your family – there are countless people who don’t have families and yearn for those connections. Find value in yourself. When you begin finding the value in who you are, your world will begin to shift to fulfill the desires of your heart. Until next time, Orsika Julia

We hurt ourselves. We hurt the world around us. Just because we’re Christian doesn’t mean we’re exempt from causing and receiving pain and suffering. Many Christians behave as though they are “better than” those who believe differently – or don’t believe in anything at all. Therefore, non-Christians tend to be turned-off to Christianity because they see the imperfections of those who claim to be “better than”. When the flawed and sinful Christ followers (Christians) hurt others, there’s no wonder people are turned away and disgruntled. Honestly, I don’t blame them in the least. If my personal faith wasn’t as strong as it is, I certainly would have been turned-off by those who claim to be Christians but don’t live that lifestyle in their hearts. I would have been turned-off in second grade when the kids at the Catholic school I was attending bullied my friend Jimmy, because his shoes were hand-me-downs. Back then, in the early 80’s, there weren’t scholarships given at private schools. Jimmy’s single-mom worked tirelessly to pay for his education. I would have been turned-off by those same classmates who unfriended me in eighth grade when I decided to choose horseback riding over cheerleading. Their reaction was as though I committed an atrocity. But somewhere, deep within, I knew the horses would be longer-lasting and better friends than the people with whom I attended school. Mind you, there’s no blame on my part towards my fellow classmates. We were all kids trying to figure out the world and how we fit into it. I’m not making excuses for them either. For some, being popular was more important than to others. For me, being accepted was important, but it wasn’t motivation to choose cheer over horses. I was an awkward kid with a weird name, parents who spoke with a funny accent, and a body that was years behind that of the other girls my age. I would have been turned-off by Christians by the man I married who claimed to be a Christian yet appeared unremorseful after raping his wife and causing deep trauma to my children. The wounds from that relationship took years to heal. The rape was the final straw that broke the camel’s back. The emotional, psychological, financial, and spiritual abuse beforehand lasted a few years. Once the abuse became physical, I remember thinking, “If he’s willing to rape me, what could he do to my coming-of-age daughters?” Never would I have thought the most harm would have been done to my son. I would have also been turned-off from Christianity by the woman from a former church who attempted to slander my character amongst our peers and refused to come to the table when invited. Through my experience with her, I realized how deeply domestic violence affected me. One day, when I was heading out of my garage, I saw her car by the corner near my home – watching. Logically, I did what anyone would do (I say with a tint of sarcasm). I parked behind her waiting for her next move. The situation was a massive trigger to the former abuse endured. I felt 100% unsafe. I spent a number of upcoming weeks looking out my windows to see if she was lurking.  Even after filing a police report and a PPO (which I dropped because that was the right thing to do), I was constantly on edge. As a matter of fact, I spent the next two months being a hermit. No kidding, I didn’t want to be social with most people or follow through with any commitments made (virtually or in-person). Once I came home from work, I wanted to stay home – unless my inner circle asked me to do something with them. It was time for me to heal – again. Time and again, I could have been turned-off from Christianity by the hands of my fellow Christians. But, I wasn’t. I wasn’t turned-off because I realized (at a very young age) that Christians are humans – go figure. We are humans first, Christians second. In all transparency, those painful moments and triggers strengthen my faith. Hebrews 11:1 teaches us: Now faith is the assurance of things hoped for, the conviction of things not seen. Faith is what keeps me going daily. Faith keeps me forgiving and showing grace. I keep forgiving myself and showing myself grace. I keep forgiving others and showing others grace as well. Do I forget? Oh no way!!!!! This brain is like that of an elephant. I keep the faith in God — allowing Him to heal me — allowing Him to heal others. Until next time,Orsika Julia